This is such a wonderful blog by Patrick. I’ve known him for years, and I worked with him at one point. He and I will both read for Sandra at the Fabulous Queer Writers reading, as will her friends Philip, Miguel, and Annette, and others. Hi! I wish you lived closer so we could go for coffee, Dolores.

My husband died from pancreatic cancer that started as a backache. Your post captures the gifts that we have and the importance of just reaching out. Thank you.

I’ve said for years that I’ve put my life on hold to raise my kids, but that’s just a facade that I hide behind. The reality is that I’ve grown complacent, afraid to take risks, and I don’t like what I see when I look back.

Will I find the courage to change? I’m almost 50, have chronic back pain, and I’m frequently tired. So it would take a lot for me to do something different. Some days I wake up and I’m ready for a change. I make plans that I never follow through on, plans to work out every day, or further my career. Other days I just hope to get through it until I can have my evening nightcap and go to bed. Sad, I tell you.

Today was a hard day, coming to the realization that Sandra was content to live out her few remaining months and then pass on into what; light? Darkness? None of us really knows, and maybe that’s what makes it so difficult to accept. I was already tired from the 14-inning Royals game last night, so it hit me even harder when the light clicked on and I finally accepted the inevitable. I had to leave my desk at work and go into the bathroom where I cried, hard. I haven’t cried since my grandfather passed away some 20+ years ago, and I realize right now that it’s because another person that I idolize and respect and love is about to leave me, way before her time.

So yes, I fully comprehend what you’re feeling; the selfishness, the loss, the grief. I question the fairness of a life cut so short. It’s been said that the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and Sandra’s candle has burned brighter than a million suns. I hope some day to impact even a fraction of the lives in the way that Sandra has. If I can only make a change.