About four years ago, I went to the mental hospital.
Springtime was on me. The season has always been difficult for me. It emerges from the depths and darkness of winter. As the days get longer and the light more intense, I get more and more depressed. I find myself crying, seemingly just for the hell of it. Feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness grow. I stay in bed longer and sleep during odd times of the day. Fatigue plagues me.
Soon, usually by the beginning of March, the world looks and feels dead to me. I see the flowers and the trees busting into green. I hear the birds and see the rabbits. Beauty is all around and I have no connection to it. I find myself going into deep isolation. Thoughts of suicide and absconding from home haunt me. A pall hangs over me. I know I should be doing things but cannot find the energy or ambition to undertake them. All sounds are too loud. Activity around me, any activity, grates on me like sandpaper on raw nerves.
There’s very little I favor about spring but gray, rainy days. I’m happiest when the sky closes and the rain falls. I only really like sunny weather in the high summer, when the days bake the earth and the grass dies. I’m always a little sad when the weather cools off as summer fades. But then the rain begins and the days grow shorter. Things start looking up.
In the past, spring was always the time that I changed my life. I’ve taken up new hobbies in the spring, started grand art projects, and terraced a backyard—a project involving shovel, mattock, wheelbarrow, and twenty tons of rock—in the spring. I’ve planned long trips. It was spring when I decided I would walk to Montana, and I took off on foot for Montana in the spring, suffering all the anxieties and fears that usually come forward at that time of the year. But at the time, I had things to think about other than my inability to get out of bed. I couldn’t repair to my sleeping bag or hide. I walked through the countryside. Not many places along two-lane roads in the Midwest accommodate a depressive in the thralls of his tribulation.
Each spring, I resolved to read more, and I did. I read all the time, but in spring, I disappeared into books as if they were underground bunkers. For decades, I didn’t understand what was happening to me. Little did I understand that these activities, many of them back-breaking or intellectually taxing, provided distraction from the darker feelings that erupt in me in the spring.
Four years ago, the winter was dark and deep. I visited a friend in Berlin and other friends in Germany for two weeks, and, thankfully, the sun shined on only one day. After I returned, snow blanketed Kansas City. The sun didn’t shine for weeks.
Then, the days grew longer and the weather cleared. I plunged deep into darkness. Sadness over my German friend’s impending death occupied me. At home, I barely talked to my family. I sunk into books. Activities with my son felt obligatory and difficult. I could hardly move myself much less be a father to a young boy rife with all the energy and curiosity that kids his age should possess. (He was eight at the time.)
Soon, I wanted nothing to do with the outside world. I rose in the morning solely because the alarm clock told me to. I had to hoist myself out of bed. My impulse was to burrow into bed further, turn off the world around me, and sleep. I had teaching responsibilities and went through them as if under robotic control. I dodged my students and didn’t talk to my colleagues.
Thoughts of suicide grew. I found myself obsessed trying to figure out how to string myself up in the basement so my son would not be the first person to find me.
All the while, my thoughts seemed rational. Of course, I reasoned, I was scared. There were things to be scared of. The weight of life pressed on me, as it should, since I have always done penance for being me. Suicide seemed like a reasonable way to deal with the darkness and fear.
It never struck me that these feelings and thoughts were irrational until one morning, a Sunday. I somehow hove myself out of bed that morning at 11 a.m. My wife worked the night before and was sleeping in anticipation of another night shift. My t-shirt and jeans weighed a ton, or, at least, that’s the way they felt. Again, I was thinking of which rope I would use to tie my neck to the beam in the basement. When I made it to the living room, my son asked what we were going to do that day. I didn’t have an answer.
I sat with Nick for about an hour. He was watching cartoons, jumping around as he’s apt to do when he’s in front of the television for too long. Suddenly, something inside me broke. Darkness and weight, isolation and suicide were not rational. They were, in fact, destructive. I wondered why I didn’t see it before.
I dragged myself to the bathroom, where I bagged up my medications in a large sandwich bag. I made arrangements for Nick that evening and night. Walking into the bedroom, I woke my wife and told her, “Darling, I’m going to Research Psych. I have to.” I told her not to worry, Nick was taken care of. She looked up at me in half-sleep and told me that whatever I needed to do, I should do it.
Virginia, my wife, knows the struggles I have with the darkness. Depression some call it. I don’t know if it is depression or just an inability to cope with certain aspects of living. I know that my deepest periods of darkness are connected somehow with the length of the day. But enough depressive episodes occur between springs to convince me that depressive episodes are just part of me. I have to tolerate them. Sometimes, I think I’m an escapist looking for a reason to withdraw.
With Virginia’s blessing, I took that bag of medication and drove, as well as I could—even stoplights seemed too much input—and walked up the counter of the mental hospital. I remembered that Karl Childers, the main character in the movie Slingblade, called the mental hospital the nervous hospital. I liked that. I was nervous and upset, using all the energy I could muster to talk to the clerk at the desk.
“I’m here to check in,” I told the clerk, not looking at him. When these episodes occur, I tend not to make eye contact. I look at the floor.
“Yes, well . . . uh . . . people usually call before they come in,” he said. I handed him the bag of medications.
“I’m here,” I said. “This is where I need to be. I’m not leaving.”
“Well, fill this out and take a seat. We’ll be right with you.”
I filled in the blanks in the admitting form. I noticed my hand was shaking and my script looked like that of an 80-year-old. I gave the form back to the clerk and took a seat in the corner, hiding as best I could from the other people there, probably families waiting to visit inmates.
After an excruciating hour, a woman came out and asked me if I was Patrick Dobson. She took me back for an admitting interview. She asked questions about my medications, what doctor I was seeing, and if I had any medical conditions the doctors should be aware of. She asked if I struggled with depression. Then, she asked standard questions about depression, probing to see if I really needed to be there.
“Have you had any thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself?” she said.
“Of course,” I said. “What’s a good depression without them?”
At that, she stood up, waved me over with a weapons wand, and took me to the back, into the nervous part of the nervous hospital.
I talked with a doctor, who showed me around the place, my bed first, and then the other facilities. I shuffled behind him with my eyes to the floor. When he left, the other patients gathered around.
“You mean you’re staying?” a woman in a gray, faded gabardine jacket asked.
“Yeah, well, sure I’m staying,” I said. I made for my room. It was dark in there. Though there was another bed in the room, I had no roommate.
“But, wait,” the woman said. “You’re not a doctor?”
I don’t know what would have given her the idea that I was a doctor. I was dressed in a black, long-sleeved pullover shirt and jeans. Outside of my dress, I may have impressed the patients with my aloof and distant demeanor.
“No,” I said. “I just checked in.” I stood there a minute, looking at the floor. Then, I went off to my room.
That evening was a long one. The halls of the institution were white and fluorescent. Noises echoed through the place. Plastic covered the mattress underneath the sheet, something I wasn’t surprised at. It was just new to me. The bathroom door stopped about a foot and a half above the floor. The top of the door was cut at a steep angle, I supposed, to keep people from hanging themselves. They told me at check-in that I’d only be allowed to shave under supervision.
I stayed in the nervous hospital for a week. I met with a doctor every day for about two hours. After a couple days of these chats, he thought that the treatment I’d been receiving was flawed. I had been on serotonin re-uptake inhibitors for about ten years. He determined that I was bipolar depressive with chronic monopolar characteristics. This meant, in effect, that I was always depressed but some times worse than others. I experienced moments when I thought I could do anything, and, in fact, could do a lot, manage a great deal, and take on more than most people. But crashes and seasonal-affective disorder created bone-crushing depressions.
The answer, he believed, lie in a drug developed in the 1960s called oxcarbazepine, an anticonvulsant first developed for epileptics that affects the brain’s dopamine receptors. The drug’s side-effects solved problems of anxiety and mood disorders. This combined with lamotrigine, also used for epileptics but also for bipolar disorder, might solve my chronic depressions. A psychologist, he added, “might help you with your feelings of inadequacy and this strange feeling you have of being a fraud.”
While I was in the hospital, I began eating again. I’d lost a lot of weight in the weeks previous to my nervous hospital escapade. The food in the psych ward was surprisingly good, and there was lots of it. Three times a day, patients lined up at the door to go to the cafeteria. The staff laid out all kinds of good things in hotel pans. Since we were the only customers, the food was always fresh, with lots of fruit and vegetables, beautiful deserts, and, I supposed, since I don’t eat meat, plenty of animals cooked to perfection.
In addition, two refrigerators stood in the nervous hospital day room, where people milled about or watched television between smoking cigarettes. The fridges held all kinds of fruit juices, yogurts, and fruit. Cabinets between the refrigerators were stocked with granola bars and cereals. Between meals, I grazed in the day room, eating things just because I could.
Nearly everyone in the place smoked but me. When I went outside into the tiny, sad courtyard, the smokers stayed in. I’ll never forget the first time I went outside. All the people there filed in the door like I had some disease. Then, they stood with their faces at the windows until I went inside, at which time they filed out and lit their cigarettes. This was disconcerting. I finally asked one of the smokers what I was doing wrong.
“Nothing,” he said. “The hospital staff won’t let the non-smokers go outside with the smokers.”
One woman in the nervous hospital with me wore bandages that went around her arms above the wrists. She was very beautiful and seemed sweet. She asked me how I came to be in the hospital. I checked myself in, I said. I was going to hang myself. She laughed and held up her arms. “Yeah,” she said. “I know what you mean. At least I think I do. They found me on the bathroom floor.”
A tall, lanky and friendly guy was in for alcohol treatment. We struck up a kind of friendship, or, rather, comradery over a couple of days. When he found out that I had not had a drink for twenty years, he said, “Twenty years and you’re in the psych ward? What’s in it for me?”
“At least,” I said, “I don’t have to go through this whole thing drunk. I can’t imagine the horror.”
“Well, I suppose that’s something,” he said. “I might want to give this sobriety thing a try. But you aren’t going to be my role model.”
About the third day, I began to feel better. I struck up a rapport with the hospital staff and my fellow inmates. I led art therapy sessions where the other patients and I worked with plaster, paints, and colored markers. I attended group therapy sessions where I wound up leading discussions. Every evening, I’d hide in my room, where I did pushups and shoved against the walls and beds—which were firmly anchored to the floor—to get some physical exercise. I had a roommate for one night. He snored and talked in his sleep. After that one night, I never saw him again.
Virginia and Nick visited me twice that week. It felt like visits I’d made to my friends in prison. We sat at a round table and they asked how I was doing. We talked about little things, how Nick was doing in school, how did walking the dogs go, etc. It was nice to have them there. When the visits came to a close, they asked me to continue calling them every night.
One evening, I commandeered the television and turned to the classic movie channel. Instead of rounds of reality and game shows, we watched Joan of Arc with Ingrid Bergman. At first, I could feel my fellow inmates grouse about missing The Real Wives of Orange County. But I told them about the life of Ingrid Bergman and how critics considered this particular role one of her greatest. My fellow patients took interest in the movie. Soon, patients filled the day room. When someone came in and started talking, my mates shushed them. It was a real night at the movies with popcorn and apple juice.
After a week, the doctor told me I was good to go. I’d started the new drug regimen and was feeling better, mostly from having taken a break from myself. I drove home. The stoplights didn’t throw me into anxious fits. The sun was shining, which was kind of irritating but I didn’t feel the need to hide.
In the four years since I went to the nervous hospital, depressions have come and gone. Some have been severe. During spring two years ago, I walked around for a solid two weeks on the edge of tears. I felt worthless and useless. But I didn’t think of hanging myself. In fact, the thought of suicide by hanging or any other means has not entered my head since I was on the psych ward.
Regardless of the state of my mental health in the intervening years, I’ve wanted to return to the nervous hospital from time to time. Despite all the disadvantages—plastic on the mattresses, the dismal and sterile interior of the place, the little courtyard with its anemic bushes, the other patients—I found the nervous hospital to be a good place to disappear, just like I always wanted.
I thought I’d revealed my suicide wish to Virginia when I was in the nervous hospital. About three months ago, I told her that I was headed into one of my episodes and that things might be difficult for me for the next couple of weeks. I always tell Virginia when the beast is on me.
This time, I happened to say, “Well, it’s not going to be that bad this time. At least I don’t think so. At least I’m not thinking of hanging myself in the basement like I did before I went to the nervous hospital.”
She immediately began to cry. Why the long face, I asked.
“You never told me that you were thinking of killing yourself,” she said. “This is the first I’ve heard of it.”
I realize now, looking back, that I keep a lot of myself to myself. That’s something I need to work on.