Suicide Bomber Bear: Turning Teddy into a 21st Century Icon

Dear Vince,

I think that we ought to buy the Care Bear label from American Greetings. They really need a makeover to connect to today’s youth and to be socially relevant.

My proposal for 21st Century Care Bears:

1. Fairly Unbalanced Bear, aka Fox Bear, for those people needing a simple escape from the reality of their lives. This bear is perfect for the relative or loved one who finds comfort in nostalgia and memories of a time that never was.

2. Roofie Bear for men who feel unloved, untouched, and powerless.

3. Paranoid Gun Freak Bear for men who feel unloved, untouched, and powerless.

4. Racist Bear, aka Tea Party Bear, to include those people who feel under siege by modern society and who find history difficult to understand. It’s the perfect bear for states’ right supporters who see small government and constitutional literalism as a means of simplifying their lives and ignoring that pesky inconvenience of taking responsibility for their words, intents, and actions.

5. Suicide Bomber Bear for anti-modern, anti-government loved ones. Suicide Bomber Bear is a multi-cultural, multi-ethnic bear for people of all languages and religions who would normally take their anger out on federal buildings, famous skyscrapers, public marketplaces, and quiet villages. Like Paranoid Gun Freak Bear and Racist Bear would be perfect comfort for the loved one who wants to remain isolated and impaired.

6. I Can’t Wait to Start Fuckin’ the Poor Again Bear, aka GOP Bear. This bear’s market is huge among those who willingly act against their own interests. After all, who wants to do difficult work like being intellectually and spiritually independent? Let the lackey who supports power and wealth off the leash and get back to the work of being oppressed.

I’m sure American Greetings would gladly give up what has become a difficult and unwieldy brand to market among youth whose interests include such things as internet porn and copyright infringement. I think we can do a much better job for America’s youth, and we can create items that would be easily marketed to older siblings and parents.

Patrick