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Man vs. Mangina: The silliness of masculinity

Reverend,

I don’t mind being left out, as you know. I’m not cool, never been cool, and don’t really know what it is to be cool. Being left out is a way of life, you might say.

So, with your note you pee on the wrong tree, my friend. Since I am more brute than athlete, I have been excluded from certain aspects of manhood. They have come to be unattractive to me, as there is nothing more effective at showing the weak underbelly of dominance than the power to dominate. I knew, from the first time not being picked for the team, that my lot in life was not be dominated but to be independent of mind, manner, and masculinity. This, in part, is why the whole “man shame” thing doesn’t work on me. Moreover, I’m in touch and comfortable with the feminine aspects of my character, including the sometimes Nelly hand droop for which I have become famous.

In fact, I am quite as queer as you.

Thus, the appeal to manhood, masculinity, and manliness in your note only works to make the above character attributes even more unassailable, particularly because the homoerotic aspects of the annual Man Weekend fireside bear hugging are so obvious you can smell them coming.

That said, I will tell my partner and co-author of my narrative, my wife, that I want to take a Fall weekend to kick some real ass in the Georgian woods. Since she is a strong woman I respect and of whom I am proud, she and I will work through the details of our lives at the time to see if a trip to your lovely state is possible. I will tell her that I would like to spend the weekend with my morally challenged friends for the purposes of setting them straight on cigar smoking, cursing in compound, and building fire to the envy of pyromaniacs worldwide. She will likely agree that that a limp-wristed ass whooping is what you deserve.

After all, the only pussy I know is you, and if I show up for bear-hugging manlove, you will bleed.

And I’m bringing veggies despite the rounds of jeering, shaming, and scolding–as well as all the weak-minded blather about how meat is so necessary you can’t practice self-control and your alleged manly virtue around it. As you also know, I am PETA. The only meaty things I abuse are manginas like you and the occasional stranger.

Now you have warning. Don’t fuck it off.

Patrick

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